there are lines here

strung thin lines, no start, no end

are they borders?

are they dividing?

oh, i know this place

oh, i really think i know this place














these people are indistinguishable

where are their faces

no, no i knew who these people are

i can feel them, i can feel

what am i feeling

were these lines always here

what does any of it matter














Amon

Amon

my brother in christ, i wish u were here

i don’t know what to tell u

my eyes feel swollen, my tears feel swarming and hot

from where i’ve just been, going through all this

tell me these tears are real

tell me im feeling this right

im.
im thinking of how u'd reassure me

when u’d hold me

i’d stand still in the corner and u knew i didn’t want to be seen

i didn’t want to exist

i was tired. i was beat up. i was fine. i was just having a day. just a normal one

u gave me an impossible love

u looked after me

like, Amon,







could u please come back for an instant

and just

idk

put ur hands through my hair or some other form of crude gay comfort

after everything

u saw what i needed without looking at me

i need ur hands through my hair or just like, look at my tired back

why can’t u see me any more












where did u go

what sort of enlightened life do u have to lead to end up leaving me like this

ur own rendition of Stone fucking Butch Blues

im . im sorry for the emphasis

what sort of epath were u tryna be









do u . omg lol









ignore the fucking lines do u remember. the fucking rave





omg omg wait wait wait





get out of the wall and remember like, how that the place was quite earnestly, popping



thoroughly popping



duly popping



sincerely popping



bangers all night no end in sight



sorry but one of the djs said that and it was so funny. like king what did you mean when you said that ???

like king what on earth is that supposed to mean

man liked his bangers



i was. fucking. sauced. dosed. done in



im there, so so so drunk and i

i could have been working
oh shit was i supposed to be working
what. what was my job







don’t even know how tbf



but i WAS dance. the spirit the essence the vibe the power…………. i was dance



and im (as far as i was aware) killing it.



tearing it up. kickin it up. it feels great.



i don't care about my hearing, i don't care about anything, im drunk and free.



working or not ……… who give a shit































I am Looking For Peace in the Shape of my Body



















but ur doing that thing where ur standing there and looking out and across the room and is being all stoic and soft and sorta vibing but not in the mosh type way doin ur awkward little dance or whatever



be u’ve, like, caught my attention in. idk, idk how to describe it. whatever i was doin. work or dance or both or. i just. i know i was somebody else as soon as i saw u

like, i was thinkin to myself, he’s the coolest hottest guy. he’s not commanding space. he’s not poetic or like, wise, or different, he’s just himself, so confidently

sounds goofy but we move

i don’t know how or why he’s come here to

ur blindness was a bit astounding n u were almost entirely deaf



but like



when i mosyed over, however i fucking moseyed or strut or walked or whatever

could have flown for all sober i was

u shot first, all stoic and beautiful and i was, all over the place, a walking disaster enraptured and enamoured and heart beating in my ears

u know what it’s like

i was walking over to u feeling like the most perverse, freakish, inconsiderate, ignorant monster

u know what it’s like

and ur just takin it slow and u tell me u knew i was there

and u’d been waiting

and how happy u were when i walked over

and how u wanted me here

what peace we came to is, astonishing









and we start talking about how ephemeral this place is. there was all this music and i could barely hear him but he how quick it comes and goes.

bangers all night, no end in sight

suddenly all that energy i had to work or dance or whatever THE FUCK was gone



and i was just focusing in on u



and i was trying to look as sober as possible because we’d both be going back to mine



and im a professional, obvs



and i was interested in what u were saying



i think u moved in. idk.



ur name was Amon. stoic in the augustine sense. humble, travelling light



sorta focused and attentive and about when u needed to be but never intruding and never overstepping, self-aware and like,

idk, on pure percipience? (u taught me the fuckin loooong words)

(i was a goose. u were a swan)

u liked to listen and vocalise but really also didn’t like to talk, like, there was a point, maybe after months or whatever — time was nonsensical and sort of, like, unthinking? — where u’d go quiet for a real long while and i, being me, got anxious



u remember how we both had our moods. we were sharing my stupid flat or my stupid house or whaetver stupid space we had but we’d have our own stupid moods



i guess urs were more justified, right? u made the best jokes u could but we adapted n spoke in different ways



i guess we supposed something superficial, another language formed from separate semiotics

our bodies were important — the shape we filled n the spaces we left. exactly the sort of stuff u can’t put into words



we spoke more fluidly like this, instead of two different animals, two different bodies

we’re no different, we’re the same beast

i guess i was always working but this was our little talk

our own way of knowing one another completely

we slept together a couple of times. months n months after moving in. i haven’t really been feeling sex since. i did enjoy it though, a lot tbh, but idk, it felt like something i wanted more than he did. guess that made it feel off but u

reacted? or rather, wanted it too — it was nice. i never wanted u to let me go afterwards











this was our life, Amon, where did u go











u were cosy but considerate. u liked to cook and we’d cook together. one of the things u kept with u was a slow cooker. man, u loved ur slow cooker like it was ur child omg

u liked chilli. u liked a lot of things with red lentils and spice and chilli sauce. like the fermented, pre-chopped chillies in chilli sauce

u liked sweet peppers

red chilli’s too, fresh brought ones. u always called coriander cilantro. u stirred with ur left hand because u’d get burnt form time to time and i’d call u stupid, despite being the stupidest being in the proximity of a thousand million miles

u cooked with chilli oil. it was always summer food, but i was never complaining. it was so nice. it was hot and filling. the way i ate changed while we lived together, i would eat slower, i’d pay attention to it. i ate the way u ate, y'know? i liked how u cooked

i read what u read too. we’d read in the evenings, when i wasn’t working, when it was just us. it was always warm, the nights were these lovely unending evenings of purple and i felt like we were walking home forever

sorry. im sorry

u got the ring, and i was like, hah, gay

i dunno. there was a humanism to our routine.
i felt like a real being when we spent this time together.
it felt like it was everything i needed.
i guess im not hungry







it wasn't a whim to you. u simply wanted your plants to grow. u taught me how to look after them, u wanted me to understand the things he loved. ur hands cared in ways i thought were impossible for mine. i could have been one of them. one of ur plants u loved and cared for and touched. u wished growth onto me







i love the sunlight n all. it’s all i want to see, but it’s been cold ever since u left. this body is falling apart.

it’s cold. why did u let me fall in love with u?

won’t u come back?



to apologise?

why did u even leave all these lines



im not hungry. im not tired.



why does nothing look the same



im. just not hungry these days. i’ve got nobody to eat for



why did u leave me like this



this body feels needy, volatile, like,
i need u, i literally cannot stop thinking about u. id get myself hurt to see you again
why do i need to feed myself when there’s nobody to look at me, to honestly see me, and say





hey





i’m so grateful for u to be here





why did u tell me that a mistake might be more valuable than a correct answer

i feel like i believed enough in u, Amon, u would come back

i still. i still don’t feel prepared to lose u. i want u to come back, dude. it’s not funny anymore, right

it just feels like ur not laughing at my jokes



















now i wait and look at the sun and wait for the sun to boil my body and drown me in the inescapable pain of ur heat. its not heat. it’s the boiling, uncandid heat death of the universe. were u so kind to give me the gift of atrophy and, what fucking else, u just up and vanished







































yea



im not hungry

don’t make me go


don’t eat me too


why is it dark and cold and smells of fucking death
why can’t i recognise any of these faces
when we’d fall asleep i swear ur heartbeat was so loud. i would listen to it and it would be so loud and peaceful







oh shit dude







oh god







oh, god







ur gone